Because You're A Woman

 “At the moment of trauma the victim is utterly helpless. Unable to defend herself, she cries for help, but no-one comes to her aid. The memory of this experience pervades all subsequent relationships. The greater the child’s emotional conviction of emotional helplessness and abandonment, the more she desperately needs the need for an omnipotent rescuer. But because the child feels as though her life depends on the rescuer, she cannot afford to be tolerant; there is no room for human error. Because she has no confidence in the carers benign intentions she will consistently misinterpret the carer’s motives and reactions.”

Judith Herman 1992.

 The last pieces of the jigsaw are beginning to fall into place. Reading this I can better understand why I have difficulty in adult relationships. I find it hard to trust. I expect perfect support. I cannot afford to make allowances for the frailty of human nature, because in the past that has damaged me so much. This passage clarifies for me the reasons why I insist on functioning independently of outside support. I will not call for help, because when I was screaming out for help as a child, no-one came. Those who should have helped, those others who I loved and needed, left me to cope alone. And those who love me now, who I believe when they tell me they love me, still cannot be fully trusted. Human nature is flexible, too fluid for me to lean on. I need a rod of iron to rely on for my walk through life, and I can only find that in me. I can though, see now that those who are still alongside me must really love me - despite my fierce independence or because of it? Perhaps one day I will unlearn the lessons of the past. Meanwhile, I thank my beloved friends for remaining true: friends who are sometimes forced to watch me struggle alone, when I sense that they want me to let them in through the door of my soul.  I love you all and am so happy and grateful that each and every one of you is a part of my life.

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